


Barty's Blog

by SideshowStarlet



Series: Arrested Development [9]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Artemis the Dementor totally reads Barty's blog, Barty Crouch Jr Appreciation 2k19, Barty Jr denies having a crush on Sirius, Barty Jr/Sirius Ho Yay (but no official relationship), Barty has a blog now, Blogging, Dementors Enjoy the Drama, Harry is Barty Jr's little prince, Harry is somewhat spoiled, Harry raised in Azkaban, Maybe that will change, Sirius denies having a crush on Barty Jr, Twitter, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24860083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SideshowStarlet/pseuds/SideshowStarlet
Summary: Barty has a blog. Well, a Twitter account, but close enough. This chapter is pretty much pure crack.Part 9 of my Arrested Development series, in which a young Harry, abused by the Dursleys, is magically transported to Azkaban and winds up in Barty Jr's cell with Sirius Black next door. Barty is convinced the Dark Lord gifted him with Harry to raise as his Prince. Sirius just wants to raise his godson. The Dementors enjoy the drama. An unlikely friendship, and an even more unlikely family, forms!
Relationships: possible Sirius Black/Barty Jr at some later point
Series: Arrested Development [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1283825
Comments: 22
Kudos: 70





	Barty's Blog

**Author's Note:**

> Barty has a real Twitter account now! It can be found at https://twitter.com/BartyJr3 and will likely be updated more frequently than this series, due to time constraints.

Over the past few days, Sirius became aware of Barty looking… different. Not bad, necessarily. Not sick, either. And definitely not caught on fire or stripped down to his underwear like he was that time Harry was upset about not being served chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. 

“You can have chocolate chip cookies after lunch,” Barty had promised. “For breakfast, I made you some yummy oatmeal that we can add chocolate chips to!” 

“I don’t want oatmeal!” Harry had screamed. “I want cookies! And you’re supposed to give me whatever I want!” Harry glared at Barty through tear-filled green eyes, and suddenly, Barty’s robe caught fire. Barty cried out in surprise and pain before quickly putting the out and pulling off the now-burnt robe. Once he was stripped down to his boxers, he cast a quick Healing Charm to address the burns to his chest and upper arms before wrapping Harry up in a comforting hug. 

“I’m sorry, dearest,” Barty had cooed. “I’ll make you special breakfast cookies if you show me your pretty smile.” 

Instantly, Harry stopped sniffling and gave Barty a watery smile. “Such a handsome Prince!” Barty exclaimed, causing Harry’s smile to widen. 

“I wanna help make cookies!” said Harry, bouncing excitedly on Barty’s hip. “I’ll make sure they have LOTS of chocolate chips!” 

“Of course you will, My Lord,” Barty agreed, setting Harry down and putting on an apron. Harry ran excitedly to the kitchen and pulled out a bag of chocolate chips. 

Barty mashed six bananas and added three cups of oatmeal, a bit of vanilla, and a few sprinkles of cinnamon. He let the Little Prince stir the mixture and add all the chocolate chips he wanted. Barty and Harry then scooped the balls of dough onto the cookie sheets, and Barty put the pans in the oven. He let them cool for a few minutes before serving warm, delicious cookies with extra chocolate chips to himself, Sirius, Harry, and the Young Lord’s stuffed Dora and Diego dolls. 

Sirius stared at Barty from the cell next door. Contrary to the belief of the Dementors sniggering outside their cells, he was NOT staring because Barty happened to be cooking and serving breakfast while wearing nothing other than his underwear and an apron. He had no interest in that, of course! And anyone saying otherwise was crazy! No, he was simply staring because he still couldn’t believe how much Barty spoiled Harry! 

No, Barty looked different, despite the fact that he was wearing his usual stylish (where had that thought come from?!), distinctly not-on-fire robes, rather than underwear and a frilly apron. Barty had been combing his hair differently… or maybe he cut it? And his blue eyes were more noticeable. They seemed bigger, somehow. And his mouth was different too. Somehow, as silly as it sounded, Barty’s lips seemed… bigger. This definitely warranted closer investigation. After all, what if it wasn’t Barty at all, but a Dark (or rather Darker) Wizard in disguise? His godson could go from being somewhat spoiled by a doting, fanatically loyal, evil minion to being corrupted by someone far more sinister. It was best to keep an eye on Barty, NOT that he got any pleasure out of looking at Barty or the potentially evil imposter. 

Barty hadn’t done anything too out of the ordinary all morning. Sure, he still catered to Harry’s every whim, but this was par for the course for the insane Death Eater. Barty spent the day cooking, cleaning, playing with Harry, teaching the boy magic, simple math, and handwriting. 

During the evening, Barty gave Harry a bubble bath and charmed the suds to be different colors, much to Harry’s delight. It was Sirius’s night to read Harry his bedtime story, so Sirius read the latest Dora and Diego book, holding it up so that Harry could enjoy the pictures. While Barty snuggled Harry, occasionally pressing a kiss to the top of Harry’s head, Sirius filed away plot points for his secret Dora and Diego fanfiction. Everything seemed to be normal. 

When it was Harry’s bedtime, Barty snuggled with him in bed as usual. It took a further 28 bedtime stories, 15 lullabies, a half a graham cracker, and a glass of warm milk before Harry finally fell asleep in Barty’s arms. This was nothing unusual. Harry always fought bedtime until he was completely exhausted, and Barty spent literally every single one of Harry’s waking moments catering to the boy’s every whim. 

Sirius lay in bed with one eye open, watching Barty (or his handsome… no, EVIL imposter) for any evil shenanigans. Barty pressed one last kiss to the sleeping Harry’s forehead and drifted peacefully off to sleep. Sirius sent a silent Tracking Charm at Barty before rolling over and falling asleep himself. 

At five in the morning, Sirius heard a buzzing sound in his head. It was his Tracking Charm, inaudible to anyone else, letting him know that Barty was awake. Sirius was immediately suspicious. Barty never woke up in the morning until Harry roused him by jumping on the bed. Padfoot silently rolled over, determined to find out what was going on with Barty (or his overly-handsome doppelganger). 

Barty silently slipped out of bed, crept over to his desk, and took a piece of parchment out of one of the drawers. Barty stared at it intently while fixing his hair, making it appear softer and thicker. He then waved his fingers around his eyes and lips, making them more… colorful. Those features seemed to pop out more somehow. Barty spent a significantly longer time playing with his eyebrows. It involved a lot of frowning down at the parchment, uncertain spell-casting, and shaking his head in frustration. Finally, Barty seemed pleased with whatever he did to his eyebrows (although they didn’t look any different to Sirius). Finally, Barty pulled out a quill and a bottle of ink and began writing. He wrote for a few seconds at a time and then sat back, chewing on the quill. After a short time, a quiet beep, not loud enough to wake his sleeping fellow prisoners, would sound from the parchment, and Barty would write some more. Sirius frowned. What nefarious scheme was Barty up to? 

The instant Harry woke up, Barty slipped the parchment back into the drawer and hurried to tend to his Little Prince. Barty went through the normal morning rituals of combing Harry’s hair (how was he the only person in the world who could make Harry’s hair lie flat? It must be some sort of evil Death Eater trick!), joining in with his Lamby’s chattering about Quidditch and dragons and “Barty, I want a pet dragon!”, Barty responding that the only dragons that could survive in a cold place like Azkaban were pink dragons, and Harry deciding he didn’t want a pet dragon after all, because pink was for girls. However, he decided that he wanted to wear the same dragon sweatshirt that he had worn yesterday, but today was Wednesday, and on Wednesday, he and Barty always wore matching green robes, so he wanted Barty to make it Tuesday again. Barty hurried to the laundry basket, cast several cleaning and ironing charms on Harry’s sweatshirt, and helped Harry dress in the dragon shirt and a transfigured green cloak. Barty then Transfigured one of his own cloaks into a larger version of Harry’s so that the two would still match. As Barty cooed over how grown up Harry looked this morning while Harry showed off his wonderful green cloak, Sirius took the opportunity to Summon the parchment from Barty’s desk. 

He stared at the parchment. The parchment stared back, mocking Sirius with its emptiness. Sirius suddenly understood how people must feel when they didn’t know the password to activate the Marauder’s Map. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” he said, waving a hand over the parchment. 

Two blank lines appeared on the parchment. One was labelled “username,” and the other was labelled “password.” Hmm… Barty was the name of the usual user of the parchment, so, grabbing a quill, Sirius wrote “Barty” on the “username” line. Now, what could the man have used as a password? He tried “The Dark Lord,” but that surprisingly didn’t work. He tried “Harry,” but that didn’t work, either. He even tried “Sirius,” and not only did that not work, but a message popped up saying “When Hell freezes over, Artemis! I do NOT have a crush on Padfoot!” Sirius felt somewhat relieved to see this, as he most definitely didn’t have a crush on Barty either. 

Still, what could the password be? He tried writing “Lamby,” and, surprisingly, it seemed to work. The parchment converted to a page with several small pictures of Barty’s face next to short snippets of writing. The writing seemed to cover various topics, whatever was on Barty’s mind at the time. This encompassed a wide range of topics, from insane rantings about how the Dark Lord shall rise again, how adorable Harry is, bad hair days, how smart Harry is, insisting that he does not have a crush on Sirius, how powerful Harry is, recipes, and how princely Harry is. There seemed to be no pattern whatsoever to Barty’s random thoughts. 

It struck Sirius that Barty was communicating these thoughts to someone. The question was: to whom? Someone named DementedFujoshi69 was certainly paying a lot of attention to Barty's comments. Additionally, this demented person seemed to take issue with Barty's claims that he did not have a crush on Sirius. To Sirius's relief (since he did NOT have a crush on Barty), Barty was putting up a good fight. Still, Sirius was determined to get to the bottom of Barty's- he looked closely at the name on top of the parchment- Twitter. And Barty's Twitter was the only part of Barty he was interested in, thank you very much!

**Author's Note:**

> Barty has a real Twitter account now! It can be found at https://twitter.com/BartyJr3 and will likely be updated more frequently than this series, due to time constraints.


End file.
